Why did this “compliment” feel wrong?

By Ana Sierra

You might have heard these “compliments”:

• “You are a credit to your race, you’re so bright!”
• “Wow, your English is so good”
• “You’re so spicy/feisty, I love it!”
• “Can you teach me salsa?”
• “When I look at you, I don’t see color”

And I can go on and on…and it doesn’t stop at these “compliments”, in other instances we might be asked to teach them about our Latin culture as if one person represented the entirety of 33 Latin American countries, each with cultures, subcultures, diverse dialects, heritage, etc… Or in one of my personal experiences, I was spotted by a coworker in the lunchroom and thanked for bringing chips and salsa to the employee lounge when I didn’t. It clearly must have been the only Latina who would have thought of that. While not intentionally said to cause harm, it says a lot about the unexplored bias of the person making these comments. Their attempt is to connect with us, therefore it feels wrong.

In the moment, we smile and sometimes even thank them for their comments. But why is it that this feels wrong?

• “You are a credit to your race, you’re so bright!”
  • We know that there are so many bright and talented individuals in our cultures that we know we are not the only ones. However, because they have never seen anyone like us, we become that “exception” to them. If they only knew about the richness and talents of our ancestors, our current inspirational figures and knew more in their circles about how we really are, they could never make that comment.
• “Wow, your English is so good”
  • We know that Latinas have a diverse linguistic ability. There are Latinas who are Spanish speaking only, English-speaking only, Bilingual, Trilingual, and multilingual. This comment usually comes from an uneducated person who assumes all Latinas are English learners. Thus, invalidating the reality of our diverse upbringings and experiences, but especially invalidating the experiences of Latinas who are born and raised in the US.
• “You’re so spicy/feisty, I love it!”
  • The stereotype that Latinas are somehow more “loud” or “angry” and whenever we speak out, it automatically become this stereotype, no matter how politely we speak up. Our assertiveness is a threat, and to minimize our comments/opinions/ideas, the attention is directed to the “feisty/angry” stereotype. At the same time this comment invalidates what we are trying to say. Or that when we wear high heels or a colorful dress, we become the “spicy” person, even if everyone else is wearing heels.
• “Can you teach me salsa?”
  • Again, another assumption that might seem innocent, but based on ignorance. The music of our people are so diverse, we are more than just Salsa. Don’t get me wrong, I love Salsa, but can’t dance it! However, this comment diminishes us, to just that. Also assumes that all Latinas know this dance, despite where their heritage.  
• “When I look at you, I don’t see color”
  • This comment completely invalidates the realities of Latinas. It is meant to make us question our experiences of discrimination. For example, if they don’t see color, how come I always feel that I’m treated differently? Or am I overthinking and feeling as though my race has something to do with how I’m treated? Or am I just making this a bigger deal than what it is? My heritage, color, and experiences don’t just have to be seen, they have to be embraced, appreciated and celebrated.

So how do we respond? That is a tricky question. I find that I’ve gone from ignoring it at times and “let it be” but then find myself being upset that I didn’t say anything. On other times, I find myself addressing the comment and educating them, but then get reactions from them such as anxiety (example: “oh my God, I didn’t mean it like that), anger (example: I’m not racist, I have Latina friends), denying (example: I didn’t say that, you’re taking it personal) and bringing back the blame to me for addressing it. So, I have learned skills to be able to manage myself in many of these situations.

Therefore, WE NEED TO HEAL IN COMMUNITY AS LATINAS! Because we can only understand this experience. Let’s learn from each other and take care of each other!

Come join us in our monthly coaching group and stay tuned for our retreat coming up!