- “Drink as much or more than the boys
- Cuss as much or more than the boys
- Under no circumstances was I to ever…and I mean, ever…fall out of group physical training (PT).”
It was the late 90s, and these were the rules I’d picked up shortly after starting my military life. At the time, I had observed women were generally not fully accepted into the unit when they first arrived until they proved their value. Men, on the other hand, were fully accepted immediately. They only became social castaways if they demonstrated their lack of value or work ethic to the unit over time. And I wasn’t only a woman; I was a short Latina as well. I was everything the military recruiting poster was NOT. I quickly discovered following my three aforementioned rules were the fastest way for me to be accepted into the fold.
And it worked! For years. I often got kudos for being “squared away” and secretly rejoiced the moment the guys started joking with me: the ultimate sign that I was “in.”
Over time, I achieved much success by military standards. I was promoted to higher posts. The wonderful people who worked under my command and I received much recognition. I had figured out the formula. Except over time, I discovered my intuition repeatedly telling me the same thing at increasing decibel levels in my body:
Something was wrong.
It took me almost 15 years into my career to figure it out.
I had crafted a reputation over the years as someone who was “tough but fair.” The highest level of integrity was the cornerstone of my foundation as a professional. I was given some of the toughest leadership challenges and was seen as a fixer. I use to believe things like, “I may not be the smartest person in the room, but I will outwork all of them” and “Fake it ‘till you make it.” Showing vulnerability? Oh, HELL no. And how did I maintain this uncrackable façade?
Alcohol.
Looking back on it now, I clearly see how alcohol was my friend who made everything right. It helped me make in-roads with the boys. My greatest friendships were initiated and cultivated over wine. We vented, cried, and celebrated over a glass. I eventually started having a glass to unwind at the end of the night. Hurricane coming? Perfect excuse to hunker down with friends and cut loose. Shoot – I had just returned from a deployment with special operations when Misawa Air Base was rocked by the earthquake and devastating tsunami that destroyed much of northern Japan’s eastern border and almost caused a nuclear meltdown. Guess what we did while the power was out for three days and we were all on stand-down? *wink*
It all came to a head working child exploitation operations. I had created and led my state’s biggest anti-child exploitation operations EVER. 15 operations, 80+ child sex abusers arrested, ~20 live victims identified, almost 100% prosecution rate, and around 20 missing and runaway foster kids – most of which had been trafficked or were at high risk of being trafficked – were recovered. All anyone sees is the success, but what most people don’t understand is the amount of politicking, negotiating, and putting up with egotistical nonsense that goes into any winning venture. I had poor boundaries with persons in my work space who defaulted to trying to add to my caseload. Because – as we all know – the only reward for doing well at work is getting more work. And you can imagine diving head-first into the slimy pits of pedophilia was itself a very special kind of trauma. Add to this the struggle of giving yourself permission to rest.
I had known for a while that my leaning on the bottle to feel better wasn’t good, but it was so comforting and fun. After a stressful day at work, that first sip of beer reminded me of my brothers in Oklahoma who embraced me as a sister at Friday happy hour signaling the beginning of the weekend. The warm and spicy aroma of a glass of red wine took me back to girl’s nights where I’d celebrate and commiserate with other badass women who daily fought the same struggles to let their lights shine brightly. The liquid courage would just get us to the other side of the fear that prevented us from speaking a painful truth we may not have otherwise said had we been sober.
And then there came the day when I could no longer ignore it. There had been a massive political event that caused me to question whether or not the America I had volunteered to die for was still inherently good. If I’m blunt, all I wanted to do was dive into a bottle to forget all the pain that was going on in the world and within myself.
I told myself time-and-time again that I’d be more responsible next time. I’d only have one drink next time. I wouldn’t drink during the week. And because I am human and trying to control my trauma, I would fail which would cause me to further feel bad about myself.
Thoughts lead to feelings which lead to behaviors.
We all have unexplored trauma from trying to fit in and be successful in our professions. If you’re reading this, I have no doubt you are a high-functioning and high-achieving person. You also probably have one or more behaviors which you feel shame over or at least recognize are a symptom of a deeper issue. I have begged, bargained, and raged towards God due to my inability to control mine. I’ve berated, shamed, and belittled myself for my weakness. But here’s the thing:
Trauma responses serve a purpose.
…they protect you.
…they are primitive, instinctual behaviors that hijack your brain when you don’t feel safe.
…they exist for a reason, and they could care less about your beautiful logic.
There is no way any amount of rationalizing or explanation is going to create the behavior change you want. You need to do the hard work of digging into your trauma and creating awareness around what those responses are.
My vice is a glass of vino, but there are so many other responses. Risky sexual behaviors, excessive shopping, substance abuse, gambling, credit card abuse or overspending. Even extreme exercising can be how your mind chooses to deal with trauma.
Want to know the most important thing you can do to heal?
Create awareness around it. Once you can identify what’s happening, you are already on the path to beating the thing that plagues you. It took me years to figure all of this out. But the amazing outcomes from getting curious and courageous rather than judgmental about this behavior has been more wholehearted living. The version of myself that believed cussing, drinking, and PTing hard got me “in” could not have fathomed how authenticity, courage, and moving my body for fun and on my terms created extraordinary professional results. Over the many years of doing the work, I uncovered a pattern I’d developed since I was young: hustling for my value. Especially as Latinas, we are taught that we aren’t valuable unless we prove it – whether it’s through being productive, being the “good girl,” or even having children. 15 years after joining, I’d discovered my body resisted gym time. When I understood I had maintained my fitness for the Air Force, potential suitors, and because that’s what society expected of me, I was able to shift my motivation to a focus on loving my body. It meant trading in difficult 4 mile runs for an hour of walking in nature and dance fitness workouts which old me wouldn’t have been caught dead in.
Today, I have deeper relationships, more joy, more wonder, and better results when I do this important work. Today, I don’t just get to continue my badass work in the justice space, but I have been able to help other women fully step into their power. And through this multiplication, we’ll start moving the needle on issues like injustice, bigotry, human rights violations, and systemic change.
As such, Dr. Sierra and I are excited to help you each on your healing journey. Come join us on virtual monthly group coaching calls starting July 7th at 9 pm Eastern where you can create awareness and grow in community. You can sign up here. We hope to see you there!
